FAFSA is dumb, court-house marriages, and waiting along. All themes that are just ABOUNDING in my life right now.

This 09-10 year, I will be renting a HOUSE, making health/car/life/ect insurance payments with my fiance with NO HELP from anyone, and FAFSA still says that I am a DEPENDANT. Why? Because I wasn't born before 1986, I am not married, AAAAND I was not at anytime, a ward of the state. Fuckin' A. That's right. NO jack shit for money in my bank account. Noooo-sir-ee.

To fix the problem, guess what? Someone said that I should conisider getting married before I fill out the FAFSA in a courtroom with witnesses and a judge. ....You're fucking with me, right? Getting married in a courtroom isn't exactly my dream wedding. For some people who don't want all the fuss of a big wedding, I have nothing agains that. If that's what you want, Yay! Good for you.... BUUUUUT... I don't wanna get married like that JUST to get some finacial aid so I won't have to take out some loans. "Well, you can always have the white wedding after you graduate!" he said. WOOOOOOOW! I NEVER thought of THAT! REALLY?! No! No! That's not the point. Years from now, when I look back and my kids ask me when we got married, what am I gonna tell them? We had a shot-gun wedding with a judge to same some extra buck, and then show them pictures of him in jeans and me in a dress with a signed piece of paper? NO! *palm-face* Epic fail.

AAAAND! When I oppose this and try to explain, this person's buddies start ragging on me. I get upset and leave the room. He comes to me all *pouty face I am sowwy* look, and for the rest of the day, I feel bad that I even hated the idea in the first place, and NOW, NOOOOOW i am sitting here, actually thinking about WHEN we're gonna go find that judge and get it done.

Nowwwww I am tiresd and hungry and just not having a good daaaaayyyy, and I just wanna go hooooome, and I CANNOT because HEEEEEE is talking with his bff/cousin that he NEEEEVERRRRRR sees and I know that i will feel like DEMON SPAWN if i even ask him if we can GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE UNION AND GO HOME TO EAT AND RELAX AND STUFF.....!

So here i sit, ranting on LJ, 'cause I don't want him to read this later, so I can't post this on dA....only someplace where he doesn't know about.

Courtroom wedding...fuckin' shit.

This is just a little somthing I worked up for the hell of it. i wanted to work myself into the twilight universe just a tad. here she be!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before heading back to Forks to face my incredulous siblings, my eager parents, and that creature that was haunting my every waking moment, I decided to take a detour to western New York.

Bemus Point was a tiny little tourist trap on the coast of a small lake. There was only one red light at the center hub of town, no Wal-Mart for over 30 miles, and home to one of the only humans that knew about me.

Just like Forks, the Point was under an almost constant and ongoing cloud of rain, sleet and snow during every season, save for summer. Little puddles of ice pooled on the sidewalks and large flakes of snow fell silently from above. Everything was buried in two feet of snow and not a single soul was seen outdoors. Not that I could blame them – it was only about twelve degrees.

Near the corner of Main St. was a small, locally owned grocery store. The man that owned it employed his eldest five children and other teenagers of his friends in town, though many of those teens had flown the nest – off to college and marriage.

But if luck were a lady, then I would hopefully find her here.

I hurried up the ramp and into the store, eager for the heat awaiting me inside. My eyes flickered around for a millisecond until I spotted her washing dishes, elbow-high in bubbles.

Her dark blonde was pulled back in what was once a tight braid. Now it was loose and falling apart around her sweat-beaded forehead. Her thick, strong arms scrubbed away and her strong legs and back held her in a painful half crouch above the very low sink.

I couldn’t help but laugh at what I was seeing – she hadn’t changed one bit since I last saw her. Same old jeans, same sneakers, and one of the ever-popular “long sleeved shirt under a little tee” ensembles. This one was a brown tee with a pale blue undershirt.

Her head was bobbing and her hips swaying slightly back and forth – singing along with the radio. “…Our song is the slammin’ screen door, sneakin’ out late, tappin’ on your window…” Her face was hidden behind her hair and the steam, but I could imagine how she looked from times before. Her face was heart shaped and peach colored with little freckles on her cheeks. Her large grey-blue drooped lightly at the corners and wrinkles – premature for being just nineteen – tugged at the corners... Her pouty lips almost seemed a bit deeper in color…for reasons I hadn’t heard from her yet.

“I thought you didn’t like country,” I called to her.

Her head snapped up, and for a moment, she was frozen. ,I should know him…he looks familiar, and… Wait!

She turned off the water clumsily. “Edward?”

I smiled. “Lucy Deitrich.”

“Oh my God!” She dropped the dish and came running.

“No running indoors, Lucy.”

She slowed her pace and smiled. “Like I could break anything in here,” she retorted, her voice slightly low for a woman, but still melodic. “What are you doing here? I thought you moved.”

“We did – I’m just…skipping for the week.”

“Oh my god!” She reached out and took me into a hug. Her sudden closeness didn’t bother me anymore – Lucy was…unique that way. “I have missed you…you have no idea how boring high school was when you left.”

I blinked. “Was?”

“Yeah…I graduated two years ago now. Remember? You couldn’t make it to my grad party.”

I was instantly guilt stricken. “I am sorry about that, you know. But if you hadn’t planned it in the first week of August…”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, I know, I know…couldn’t have you being a life sized disco ball.”

I sighed. She’d never let any of us live it down.

“So, aside from my inexcusable absence from your graduation, how has your life been thus far?”

“Great…” And there it was…a slight twinkling of the eyes. And that wasn’t the only thing that was catching the light. Around her neck hung a locket.

“Only he who holds the key can unlock my heart,” I read the inscription aloud. “And where’s the key? In the hands of the luckiest man on earth?”

“His name’s David.” She laughed and slid the locket back and forth. “And besides… I couldn’t wait for you,” she teased. “And he’s not the only lucky one…” she held up her left hand. Low and behold, there rested a ring, sleek and glimmering.

I smiled. “Congradulations.”

She smiled even wider. “Thanks…you’re all invited to the wedding. Mark the 13th of September, 2013, okay?”

“Marked,” I mused.

She donned her winter coat and looked me over. "Something bothering you, Edward? You look a little…lost."

What could I say? Lucy had an uncanny way of getting you to tell the truth. “Well…I met this girl…”

Her instant screaming in her head distracted me.

"OH MY GOD! Hee-heee! Edward’s got a girl friend! Edward’s got a girl friend!"

“Will you please calm down, Cece? This is a tad complicated.”

She instantly flocked to my side and walked me out the door, locking it firmly behind her.

“Tell me everything.”

Just a lil' something. StarlitDestiny...feel free to extend if ya wanna. ^_^



~`~@



I had never felt so horrible in my entire life. I felt like a traitor to my family and to the entire existence of my best friend and dearest cousin.

How would I explain this to Tara? Gannon called me and we went out on a date? I am sure that will go just swimmingly as her heart drowns in the deep pools of despair at the bottom most circle of Hell. And I would be the mutinous wretch hanging in limbo for the most unforgivable of sins in the world of relationships.

Oh yes, what a wonderful conversation that would be.

How could he really be so blind? Really? Tara has never cared for anyone more than she has for Gannon. No one person had ever loved so deeply… Well, save for one. I suppose you could never call what I had for Sean love, because he never loved me back. He didn’t even know that we went to the same school.

But Gannon loved Tara…as a friend. And she loved him with the luster of the freshly fallen snow in the tundra; an ongoing shimmering vastness never before seen by his eyes.

Would she understand why I was doing this? Probably. Would she be happy about it? It was hard to tell. Deep down, would she forgive me? Again…hard to tell.

Getting ready for this particular date was the strangest thing just for the feelings that were stirring up within me. Fear, guilt, joy, excitement. Brushing my already crazed hair was pointless – I could barely hold the brush. Getting dressed was even harder – what do you wear on a date with your cousin’s idol? That cute little white blouse with the lace or the dull grey sweater? The cute jeans or the baggy gym pants that were ten times too big? Do I wear make up? Or go clean slated? Pin my hair back, or leave it down and frizzy?

I sighed and pulled out the white blouse, grey sweater, and gym pants. It was an odd combination, and any major designer would become violently sick at first sight of me, but I wasn’t aiming for flirtation and cuteness…especially if we happened to bump into Tara.

I pulled out my old hairpin and looked it over. It was a tooth-comb style with a palm-sized monarch butterfly on the spine with dull glossy wings, half broken from the well over hundred years of use - my lucky charm. I placed it carefully in my hair at the back of my head just above the tiny braid. I took in a breath and nodded to myself.

And like clockwork, he was there.

“I like your hairpin,” he said, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Thanks…it was my grandmother’s.” I rolled out into the hall. “You ready?”

“Car’s runnin’,” he beamed.

I kept my eyes at my shoes the whole way there.

I can get a little irritated about a few things: the dog peeing on the floor, forgetting about a test, spilling milk at the breakfast table. But the ONE thing that has REALLY been pissing me off is people around me complaining that they will NEVER find their soul mate.

Oh. My. God. DRAMA!

Okay, first.... How many people live on this planet? More than you can count using your fingers, let alone with a calculator. Soooooo many people out there...and people STILL think that " their one true love" - the ONE thing in their life that is missing - will never be found.

Oh, sure, I used to be one of those people; don't get me wrong. I used to think that "everyone else but me has somebody to coo over and I don't and I'm lonely and I'm sad and I'm depressed and I feel this and I feel that..." Ya know what I did? I STOPPED SAYING THAT. That, my friends, is the key. When I got to college, I started being more open because I thought that I wanted to find someone that would be willing to love me forever and whatnot. And guess what? I FOUND HIM!

"But Bohemian-Winds, what on earth will I EVER DO when a guy I meet is not THE ONE?"

Whoop-dee-doo! You just led me to a KEY POINT in this discussion. Sooooooo many people out there aren't in a relationship because they are afraid that they will be hurt, rejected, or that specific person won't be the one they are meant to be with, so they will run around in complicated little circles and whine because their first couple significant others weren't marriage material. NEWSFLASHHHHHH! There are how many people in the world? And you go after HOW MANY before giving up? Yeah. That's my point. What are the possibilities that the VERY FIRST RELATIONSHIP you will ever be in with the opposite sex will end in marriage? Close to NONE! yeah! You DOOOOOOO need to go out there and explore possibilities. You do need to go out with a few different people to find the right person.

"But B-W, If i date this guy and he's a jerk to me, as well as the next few, then WHAT DO I DO?"

Easy! You take what you have learned from the past jerks and RULE OUT the other 87,592,086,730,495,820,396 guys in the world that act JUST LIKE THEM! Use what you have learned. Go out. Date. Party. Meet people. Be social. Double date. Triple date.

START BY BEING FRIENDS AND DON'T GO OUT ON TWO DATES WITH THE GUY AND THEN EXPECT HIM TO LEAP AT THE CHANCE OF MARRYING YOU BECAUSE YOU CONFESS YOUR UNDYING LOVE FOR HIM, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN EXPECT HIM TO BE AT YOU BECK-N-CALL.

*deep breath*

"If at first you don't succeed, TRY AND TRY AGAIN!" There's a reason that people say that.

AND MOSTLY! DO NOT MAKE THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP ABOUT YOUUUUU! Exclaimation! This is MAJOR! Everyone wanders around whining "I feel so lonely because nobody loves me and me, me, me, me!!!!!" Stop making it about yourselves, you idiotic bastards! Don'tcha get it?! what did Jesus do? He didn't go around asking people to love Him, HEEEE went around to OTHERS and offered them love. HE loved THEM. Notice the anti-narcissism there. He cared more about loving others than whining about and begging people to love him.

Solution: GO OUT AND LOVE OTHERS. NOT in a "gooshy" lovey-dovey way. I am talking about the "otherly" love. AGAPE. Love others. Care for others. Don't always make this WHOLE FUCKING WORLD revolve around YOU! Jesus would toss chips if he could see how much we love ourselves and NOT OTHERS. If you love outwardly towards others, someone will look at you one day and think "Huh, now THERE's a person that really cares about people. Cares about ME. cares about who I am and what I wanna do with my life."

THEN you will find what you've been looking for.

So stop wallowing in self pity, you egocentric prick! Forget about yourself for once! Stop being so pessimistic all the DAMN TIME! Do something miraculous:

LOVE SOMEONE.

1. Ever kissed a blonde haired, blue eyed person?
Mmmmm I don't think so...the boy i kissed back in preeschool had blonde hair...but i think he had brown eyes?

2. Can you see a phone right now?
Yup - my BUSINESS phone. Hellz yeah, bitches! I have my own business phone!

3. What are you listening to?
Trying to NOT listen to stupid high school kids touring the campus.

4. Where is it coming from?
In the hall.

5. Last thing you ate?
A rice cake. or six is more like it. ^_^

6. Last thing you saw on TV?
The Addams Family movie. FUNNY!

7. Who was the last person other than family you saw?
James Colby

8. Song stuck in your head?
"jack's Lament" from TNBC

9. Last movie you went to?
WALL*E

10. Do you have a tan right now?
Nope. Pasty pale.

11. Do you dance while getting ready for... whatever?
Almost always, whether there is music or not.

12. What are you wearing?
Ballerina slippers, black socks, deep blue jeans, leather belt, underwears and such, "Runs With Vampires" fanclub t-shirt, and my rings (promise and engagement)

13. What is the most people you've been naked in front of?
Ummm about six. Hospital ER. 'Nough said.

14. Have you ever watched the movie Rockstar?
Nope.

15. Have you ever taken a bath/shower while you were drunk or high?
Nooooo. But i think it would be funny as heck.

16. Do you like techno?
it has to be Daft Punk, Eiffel 65.

17. Has anyone ever walked in on you while having sex?
Almost. *innocent*

18. What is one country you want to go to?
Sweden to visit my dying grandmother...*cries*

19. Have you ever made out on a plane?
Nooooooo, because my fiance WON'T fly on a plane. grr.

20. Have you ever jumped up on stage when a band was playing?
Aww I wish!

21. Do you have leadership skills?
Oh, sure! i always was the leader in my class work groups.

22. Are you musically inclined?
NOOOOOOO. I only sing in the shower when no one is home. Or in my car. when I am alone.

23. Have you ever sat on a roof and looked at stars?
YES!

24. Ever done that while talking on the phone to a...person/loved one?
Yes.... a few times.

25. Does the song Stairway To Heaven make you sad?
What song?

26. Do you have alcohol in your room?
nope.

27. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
David. he's so cuuute and fuuunny when he first wakes up.

28. Do you have any instruments in your room?
Nope.

30. I say SHOTGUN, you say...
Bill WAITE!


Name 3 things you did last night?
1. watched AFV
2. Ate popcorn
3. Put the final touches on my halloween costume

Name 3 schools you went/are going to:
1. Bemus Point Elementary
2. Maple Grove Jr-Sr High School
3. JCC (AND YES! IT IS A REAL COLLEGE!)

Name 3 places you go on a daily basis
1. WORK
2. Bathroom
3. Artworks

Name 3 favourite fruits:
1. Apple
2. Banana
3. Grape/Pomegranite (but only in fruit drinks)

Three of your favourite foods:
1. Baked potato
2. Prime rib
3. Chicken wing Soup

Where do you live?
Not telling

Where is your phone?
At home...charging.

Where is/are your parent(s) right now?
Mom's grocery shopping, and I am quite sure dad is waiting for the perfect moment to pop in behind me to scare me at any moment. That's what happens when you and your father work together.

Where do you sleep?
Guestroom.


What is the closest item near you that is blue?
mouse pad

What is your favourite colour?
emerald green

What is your favourite website?
deviantART.

What do you wear more; jeans or shorts?
Jeans


Why does basically half the world have a myspace?
because half the world wants a hot stalker to come and take them away to some pent house in NYC. But what they ill get is a 534756 yr old pedaphile who still lives in his parent's basement.

Why do you go to college?
I go to college so I can better myself as a person and increase the probability of getting a good income to support my future family.


When is your birthday?
IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When was the last time you went shopping?
Umm wednesday. K-Mart.

Who ever said that 13 was an unlucky number, anyways? I have come to find that 13 MUST be MY lucky number. Or a faith number, or whatever...

On September 13th of last year, my life had a pivital, monumental happening. On that day, I went on my VERY first date. Ever.

I was a social recluse for the first 18 years of my life, and consequently, never went out on a date. I HAD, however, had my first kiss. There weren't any fireworks. No swirling. No swooning. It was just one kiss. And that had kinda soured that whole experience. But I think I must not be the only gal in the world that hadn't flipped head over heels for her first kiss. Stuff like that happens. Big deal.

But on September 13th, 2007, a boy I liked asked me if I would like to go out on a date. And ever since then, I have viewed love in a completely different way. I used to think it was like how the movies show it: gooshy, lovey-dovey, sexually charged, confusing, and complicated. NOW, I see it in one way: AGAPE. Agape is the unconditional love that that you hear your pastor at church talk about. It's the force behind how a dog you beat and yell at and kick will always come back to you, wanting nmothing more than to please you and love you. It's the love that all little girls dream of finding when they are young, and as they get older, the world contorts that version of agape into commonplaced love.

Ladies, I have news for you: that kind of love exists. IT DOES EXIST.

Ever since that 13th of September last year, I have never been in a deeper love than what I am in right this moment. Because last weekend, on the 13th of September, David asked for my hand in marriage. We have now entered a covenant of unconditional care for one another. Our lives are going to be bound together in just a few short years.

13 must be a lucky number.

It's gotta be.

This won't be long. It won't be eloquent.

You intimidate me. I can talk to other adults and teens my age so well, yet when I stand in front of you, I get tongue-tied. You scare the shit out of me. I don't know why that it is. I don't think I ever will. You know Saving Jane's "Girl Next Door". If you were a ringtone on my cell phone, that would be you. Sure, you weren't the prom queen or a cheerleader, and I wasn't in a marching band. But that's about it.

I'm scared that if I came out and told you what I really thought - the good and the bad - that you wouldn't understand why I feel the way I do. Silly, I know. Friends not understanding each other? Pfft. Inconceivable!

I...I can't say it all here. I can't write well. Known it for years. Not tryin' to change it. Not really asking to be much better at it. Just want it to be good enough for you to catch the drift that:

1 - I DO want to be your friend, although you may not think so.
2 - Yes, you hurt me many times.
3 - Yes, I know I have hurt you, too.
4 - I got some ugly things to say, but I also got some good things.
5 - You'll quite literally have to beat the truth outa me, because I'm used to holding things in.

I wanna be your friend. Not too sure you still wanna be mine. A few things point in both directions. You've been living in limbo for 6 months? Try it for 2 years.

Hakuna matata. We WILL talk this out.

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. A picture I drew a little while back.

Q. Most visited website?
A. deviantART.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. 4

Q. What kind of cell phone do you have?
A. Blue Wireless motorola - GAY

Q. How many songs on your mp3?
A. 428

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Right-handed.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. 4 teeth, blood. A wrench in my brain. The usual.

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. A while.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A . My boyfriend.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Ummm kinda?

RANDOMOLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. No.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. I dunno..... I kinda like my name as is, but Brittaria might be coool.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Black for sure!

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. yeaaaaah - a penny

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. I don't think so.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Yes... my mom.

Q. What color is your front door?
A. White

Q: Do you smile often?
A. Recently, yes.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: I hope so.

Q. Do you hold grudges?
A. Yes. I'm a vengeful person.

Q. Who do you tell your secrets to?
A. Usually not.

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Sure.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. No way!

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Of course. I never go to my Blog (almost).

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Yes.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Never!

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Depends on the person being killed.

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: Lint - I'm a starving artist

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. Is that a trick question?

Q: Do have a hardwood or carpet floor in your house?
A: Both.

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: JusDoes my boyfriend count?

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A: ZERO

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: It's been a while.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: A not-so-starving artist

Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8
A: My boyfriend of course!

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?
A: 26

Q: Season?
A: Autumn

Q. TV show?
A. HOuse

Q. Flavor of gum?
A. Wintogreen

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: My boyfriend

Q: Mood?
A: Sleepy.

Q: Listening to?
A. TSO

Q: Watching?
A. The screen.

Q: Worrying about?
A : The class in one hour

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: college

Q: What can't you wait to do?
A. See my boyfriend!

Q. What do you dread?
A. I still have to think about that.

Q: what will you do when you answer this qestion?
A: Submit this and finish drinking my milk.

This is just a rant.

I never thought that I would ever see him again. It's been three years since we last spoke. You'd nearly fallen out of existance in my mind. The crack in my heart left from your words had nearly healed over again. I had nearly moved on.

Nearly.

I didn't see you sitting next to me today. I didn't notice you smiling at me. I couldn't even recognize you without your long hair. Maybe I was just too wrapped up in my own anxiety of the second day of the rest of my life. Maybe I was just not really looking at you. I wasn't.

But I did later. You waved at me and loped towards me to give me a hug. When you ran towards me with that breath-taking smile playing across your face, you passed underneath a round beam of light coming from the ceiling and I began to panic. At first, it was that a man I did not recognize was running at me full speed. Then, it was the fear that I'd fall to pieces before you even wrapped your arms around me. You pulled me out of my chair and held me close...I nearly cried. Not out of happiness. Out of pain.

You don't know how hard I've tried to block you out of my memory. Each day, I had gotten just a little bit better. Each month, I began to forget the little things about you. They way you laughed when I impersonated Elizabeth Swann from the Pirates movies. The way you used to wrap an arm around my shoulder. The way you told those stupid sexist jokes that i still laughed at just to see you smile more. Each year, you began to fade away, like some forgotten imaginary friend of mine that I never saw.

I wanted to forget about you. I wanted to forget about the rumors and that e-mail you sent me. i wanted to forget about her as well. I was in so much pain... i wanted to forget it all. And you know what? It almost worked.

But then...there you were. Right there. Right here. Every other day, just close enough to reach over and touch the back of your hand. And I know what's going to happen now. When the professor starts to talk about the human reproductive system, you'll make those jokes, you'll laugh and smile....and my heart will melt and fall apart all over again.

Just when I thought I could move on.

W-O-W. That is pretty much the only way to sum up what's been going on in my life since summer has started.

First off, after I graduated - *waves a flag* - I recieved A CAR as a gift from my beloved Gramma Jan. *hearts her muchly for that!* It's a 1988 white Plymouth Rel K = OLD. It makes a TON of noise when its movin' around, the radio is kinda wierd and for the longest time, it had no hubcaps. But it's got character. I think I( shall name it something... I just don't know what yet...

My graduation party is this weekend. *GETS EXCITED* We invited soooooooo many people that we had to order TWO cakes. >_< I don't even wanna think about that many peoiple hovering around me. No me likey big groups of people that I hardly know. And I'm getting my hair dyed, sooo that makes EVERYHTING good.

Ummmmmmm what else? Classes start soon, I'm painting again, ect.

That's baout it. More interesting stuffs later!

Snow is falling again. Shafts of white sprites that freeze my veins float down from the rafters above. The street outside is framed in a crystal ellipse within the window pane. Every morning I awake to see how the crystal iris is swallowing the window’s pupil. Each winter day shrinks the whole between me and the outside world…even when there’s no glass to cover.

The mirror against the nearest wall has already lost it’s self to the winter’s swelling iris of crystals – a fate the windows will meet very soon.

I’m sitting in a dull red over stuffed chair with a spring sticking out from the arm rest. I’m not sure why there’s a broken spring in the armrest, but there is. I must have fallen asleep, because my small frame is frozen to the chair – small crystals of ice are holding me down around every part of me that had found a resting place against the fabric. I must not be able to be seen even from the farthest corners of the room – to most, I suppose that I would look like just another part of the chair, like a torn piece of upholstery against the cold slate walls behind me.

The floor is a mix of frozen earth and frost. My tiny footprints from two months before when I flitted in from the broken window can’t be seen now. They’ve disappeared. Just compressed in the earth so slightly that no one ever saw them…

I was brought up knowing that December was a time of rest. It was a time when everything fell asleep for a time to regain the energy that they had spent in other seasons. But never a time of death. Never a time of death. The trees never died – they only fell asleep. People didn’t vanish – they just retreated to a warmer place. The sun didn’t freeze – it just hid behind clouds so as not to melt December. It was just a picture of a colorful place in a grayscale photograph. Still captivating, still wonderful…just seen through a different lens…a different iris…a different pupil.

I look back to the window and wonder how much longer December will stay. I don’t think I’ll ever see the sun come back out from behind the clouds again – to see December’s grays melt away in icy ribbons down a china blue stream. Colors coming back to life. To see things blooming like I had in my early time. To then see them ripen and come of age. To see the tint of the sun change things from vibrancy to various shades of rust.

I don’t think I’ll be around to see it by then. Before December leaves, I will not be here anymore. I will either shrivel up and waste away, or the wind will blow me away with the spring rain – an empty shell lying on the pavement that you can see through.

But I suppose that I have had my time here. After all, a leaf is not something – or someone – to be mourned. My frosted outline in the fabric will melt away with the spring’s warmth and I will crumble into the fibers I am laying upon, helping to support the next person to come along, seeking a place to sit and rest.

Because I have failed to post anything interesting in the last few months, this is to inform you all that this site for me will be used to vent feelings and plotlines in the forms of poems, songs, fanfics, original works, ect.

I don't really have anything for you all to read now - I might later on.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY for me listing things in an uneventful way.

1) Sooooo this weekend is my senior prom! *dance* I am SOOOOOO excited for this that I know that I'm gonna cry when the night ends. My last dance as a senior... *begins to tear up*

2) My mother is out of the country for the next few weeks and my father's working non-stop, so it looks like I've got the place to myself for once in my life. WOW.

3) I have posted TONS of artwork on devaintART. Swee-eet!

4) I'm working on a personal anthology for my English class. What fun! AND a mural for another teacher. Oh. And did I mention that I'm getting my sr. pictures taken FOR FREE?! Yeah - uh-huh. Don't be jealous. I know. It's just that amazing. My my, how God works...

That's about it.

Later.

I...am Hamlet.

I know I haven't posted in the longest time. And I know that no one really reads what I write. So, I can only assume that no one really cares.

As many might assume, Prom is just around the corner. I generally don't go to dances. I never liked them much. The only two I ever attend are HC and Prom, which are the worst for me because they focus most on my least favourite subject:

Dates.

Yes. The whole school is abuzz with that little fluffy springtime feeling of self-worth. Notes being passed. Kisses exchanged. Even the emo kids have someone to coo over.

All except for this one.

Any who have been following me on this site might have come to notice my distain for this subject. The ting is this; I'm sure I'd like the idea if I were involved. Two girls I know are getting married over summer. Another one is still dating the same guy she's been with for a few years now. Kisses fly, hugs smother the halls, and I try desperately not to let the others know how much it hurts.

People are always telling me to deal with it. "Oh, don't sweat it. You'll meet someone special one day." Yeah. Whatever. The same people that can't shut their traps about their special someone are telling me to suck it up. Everyone has someone to share a few hours with. They gabble on and on about dates and romantic dinners. How they laughed when they were pulled over and told by a cop that they were speeding and got away without a ticket. The people who have it made right now.

I don't want to sound desperate. I just want what everyone else gets to feel. Why am I left out? Why am I always left out? Why?! For once in my life, can't something go right? Can't I be a part of something special and not get trashed for it?! Why can't I feel what it's like to have someone care that much for me without having to write fanfictions and poems to try and feel it?

Why?

I want to be loved by someone too. Is that so much to ask when everyone else around me has someone in their arms? Is it?

Maybe I should just tear out my heart. Maybe I shouldn't be able to feel love for someone else, seeing as it seems impossible for anyone to feel that way about me. Tear out the nerves. Sever the feelings. Drown the emotions. Leave me cold and alone on the bathroom floor, hugging myself and rocking back and forth, trying to tell myself that someone does care.

I'll hug myself...'cause no one else will.

EWW! Colds make me emo...

OKay! I haven't posted in a LOOOONG time... Not that anyone cares on this site, eh? I don't think anyone watches me, sooooo yeah. Emo. What can I say?

So the holidays have come and gone, as per usual, with nothing too exciting. Cousins, deflated footballs and a decapitated finger in Honest Abe's nose. Yup! That's been my life as of recent. COMPLETELY out of control. And the weird part is... that... I like it.

No, I correct myself. I LOVE IT! For the first time in my life, things aren't always spelled out for me! I can make my own choices and do (as much as the corset allows) what I like. Painting on walls, sketches... ART! ZOMG! I have NEVER in my LIFE pumped out soooooo much good art as I have in the past few months! It's amazing! It's like I've been reborn or something! JUST LOOK! http://www.bohemian-winds.deviantart.com/gallery/

Yeah - life'sa been chaotic - big deal! I get over it. Breakdowns and tear-filled nights are a norm for me. It's an off day when I get like that but oh well. I feel strangely released. I feel incredible. I smile all the time (NOT a common thing for me as of late) I'm singing beyond control, I'm dancing to no ability but I couldn't care less.

Life'sa just looking good.

...Too good...

Why am I getting a sneaking suspicion that when things are going as good as they are, something's gonna go TERRIBLY wrong?

Soooooooooo...

Christmas was a great deal of fun.

My christmas tree fell over on Christmas morning... >_

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Just thought that I'd post a little holiday greeting to some buddies! ^_^ To whomever celebrates Christmas, anyway.

Playing hostess is my role for the next week - I'm having some guests from out of town (Florida, to be exact). Gotta love the Southern Bells.

That's about it!

*cough cough* Ungh.

Yeah, I'm a little sick and not liking it. I was going to stay home and take it easy, but my school informed me that if I should miss two more days of school then I'd loose credit for all my 1st semester classes. >_< So, here I am in class... even though my doctor STRICTLY told me to stay home til next Wednesday.

Me no likey.

But oh well. I get to stay after with my English teacher next Tuesday to make up a seminar, which is friggin' sweet. OUr seminars get so random it's ridiculous. We started out with talking about censorship, and then ended up doing Jack Sparrow impressions. It was funny. He fakes being drunk well.

Ummm what else?

Mm-hmm. That's my life around the holidays. Everything's soooooooooo chaotic.

Adios.

Everything that you will find in this entry (or most of it) will make little to no sense to anyone here. But whatever.

*takes a deeeeeeeep breath*

So yesterday was pretty much the worst day of my life. Here's a list of things that happened (the bad things):

- 5:37 AM - Wake up to dog puking in my room *ewwww*
- 5:38 AM - Slice my index finger open when I bend down to pick up my bathroom essentials and jam my finger into a screw jutting out from the broken knob on my dresser. *OWWW!*
- 7:39 AM - Trip off the bus and into a puddle.
- 7:41 AM - Slam the already hurt finger into my locker. *OUCH!*
- 9:48 AM - While punching a punching bag in my gym's work out room, A 5lb. piece of metal with a sharp screw exposed on it falls from a shelf 10 feet up and hits my head, causing me to black out and (I didn't realize this until I get home later) bleed.
- Lunch - Stand in line for 15 minutes to get my pizza, milk and apple. Later, I get back to my table to find that my milk is sour, my pizza tastes horrid and my apple is waaaay past ripe. I ate nothing and went on with my day on low feul.
- 1:11 PM - Trip over a chair in the Info Conversions room and hit my head on the edge of a desk.
- 3:01 PM - Get home to find that I forgot my house key in school and I have to climb through a window to get in.
- 3:45 PM - Drop my iPOD nano down a flight of stairs and it breaks.
- 5:12 PM - While cooking dinner, I accidentally drop a pan full of H-O-T water (boiling) down my front side.
- 8:30 PM - Trip down all 12 steps to my basement.
- 9:21 PM - Go to sleep and accidentally roll out of bed during night mare and cut myself AGAIN on that DAMN screw!

*sighs* Grrrrrrr........ Stupid life.

Thankfully, today';s going a little better - no broken bones yet.